I wrote this poem a few months after my husband, Joseph, passed at the age of 62 when I was 56. I was later told it reflects the bargaining stage of grief. Seven years later, I have reflected on my personal experiences through the seven stages of grief. My purpose for sharing this journey is that it may bring comfort and hope to someone who recently lost a loved one. Information and understanding are crucial benefits towards the path of acceptance and healing!

There’s Nothing I Wouldn’t Do

To have you back, my best friend, there’s nothing I wouldn’t do

I’d swim in Lake Michigan from Saugatuck to St. Joe, or run a hundred miles in the chilling snow

I’d even scrub the old pie factory single handedly, or paint every shed on our property

I’d make every effort to keep up with the lawn, even if it took me from dusk until dawn

I’d do it all if it gave me the chance, to have you back, at least another glance

After your work shifts long past midnight, I’d wake from my sleep to kiss you on sight

No matter how sleepy, I’d prepare you a meal, you could even smoke in the house if that’s what you feel

I wouldn’t mind when you brought home silly gadgets, we could make room on a shelf or a closet

It would all be worth it as long as it meant, I could have you in my life for another precious moment

I would give up anything upon God’s request, even if he asked for our home we’ve been blessed

Including our lovely garden we both toiled faithfully, nothing material has more value than you, Baby

I’d give away everything I own for free, to feel your strong arms around me, or to see you walk in the house and say, “What’s goin on?” and flash that beautiful smile for me to gaze upon

My dearest husband, oh how I’ve learned the only thing that matters is love, since the day you began guiding us from above

We struggled and built our lives which took years to achieve, and now I must rebuild my life solitarily

It’s not going to be easy, but I have the will, you’ve given me the strength to prevail, to prevail

Because of you I’m a better me, and you’ll ALWAYS be that part of me

Until we meet someday in the heavens, promise to take care of all of your blessings

And when that day comes, my best friend . . . my best friend,

I will sing with joy to see you then, because you and I will be together again

I’m sure you all have heard how “time” is the biggest healer of all, so true. But I would recommend for those in the midst of deep raw grief to seek out beneficial and effective information available out there today on this difficult subject. For some, it can be helpful to obtain a grief counselor or a group that meets on a regular basis through your community or your church or consoling with a friend whose been throught it. It’s different for everybody. Regardless of what you choose for yourself, it is highly recommended to learn the seven stages of grief introduced in the 1969 landmark book “On Death and Dying” written by phychiatrist, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Since then, the stages have been expanded from her original five to seven. The information prepares you for certain things that very possibly will happen as you grieve and let’s you know that you are not going crazy! It also helps you to understand yourself and what you are going through.

Shock and Denial

Numbed disbelief; reality may be too painful to face. Shock is a way to protect us from being overwhelmed all at once. It can last for weeks, months, or even years.

I remember the first words out of my mouth toward our youngest son having watched our loved one take his last breath, “I don’t believe it, I don’t believe it”, I uttered over and over. Sometimes, even after seven years (now seventeen) I still don’t believe it. I hardly slept that first night and got up early on a chilly November morning and sat outside falling in and out of tears. I said out loud, “Where are you?” Just then, a swarm of blue jays swept across the tree top canopy as if to get my attention. About a minute later a squirrel perched in the pine tree directly behind me threw down a pine cone that landed right next to me. Then the squirrel started squawking, which reminded me of the way my husband used to impersonate Donald Duck to our boys when they were little. That memory lightened the mood temperarily and put a smile on my face! That’s when I trusted my intuition was telling me that my husband’s spirit was the instigator of it all, letting me know he was close by, that he exists and that he is okay!

I got through those first couple of days with the support of close family and friends. I also just let the tears flow. Tears are God’s gift to cleanse our heart, mind and souls. Damming up the pain can cause serious emotional and physical damage down the road.

Pain and Guilt

Suffering and engulfing pain replaces shock and denial. The amount of grief you feel is equal to the love you felt for that person. Never let anyone tell you how much to grieve or that there is a limited time you should do it. Also, it’s normal to feel guilt wondering if there were things you could have done differently or maybe you regret the last words you spoke to your loved one.

I remember repeating and visualizing in my mind, over and over, the last days of Josephs life, but especially the last moments when he passed. I have since learned that this is very typical. But one way I got through the pain was by letting the tears flow when they crept in. I cried, and cried some more! Also, I went for regular walks. I spoke out loud to him hoping his spirit heard me. I told him how sorry I was. I told him I loved him and felt guilty for not saying it more often when he was right here. I spent time in nature. Me and my son’s planted a tree in his honor. My son’s and I together visited the town he grew up in and visited his siblings and former closest schoolmates. I talked with our sons about him as often as possible. I read books about grieving. I wrote poems. I prayed for our son‘s healing and my own.

Reading books, watching movies, talking to others about your loss can be extremely helpful when you are grieving and let’s you know you are not alone. Specific information can prepare you for certain things to expect throughout the grieving process or even “how” to grieve toward a path of acceptance and healing!

Anger and Bargaining

Anger can result from the feeling of powerlessness and frustration over your loss. You can be angry with your loved one for leaving you or you might be angry with yourself or even God for letting it happen. You might ask the question, why. Why did this happen? Why weren’t my prayers answered? Bargaining is a way of railing against the powers that be (“I will never drink again if you just bring her back”).

My poem is an example of bargaining. Having written it down was cathartic and publishing it offered a healing effect as well, especially after recieving loving comments and shared stories from others. I can’t say I experienced the anger that others sometimes do, but clearly can understand. This should be kept in check so that you don’t lash out and lay unwarranted blame you’ll later regret. I was more consumed with sadness and guilt. I vowed to tell my husband’s spirit every day for the rest of my life that I love him. I have kept that promise every night before sleep. I feel his presence receiving my heart. I could go into ways he lets me know that he is with me, but that’s for another article, cause he has been very communicative.

Be open to communication from your loved one who crossed over, it happens most often when you’re in a calm mindset and at various stages of grieving. No two situations are alike.

Depression, Loneliness, and Reflection

A long period of sadness and reflection will likely settle in. This is a normal stage of grief so don’t let well-meaning others talk you out of it. It’s a time of sensitivity, emptiness, and despair. You deeply feel the magnitude of your loss.

I remember this time in my life very well. I wondered if I was always going to feel sad. Memories would pour in which made me feel happy and sad at the same time. This is when I started a journal and wrote all the things I appreciated about my husband. I jotted down a list of the best, most fun times we had shared. I put the worst struggles we had aside and realized they were part of our growth. I wore his clothing sometimes to feel closer to him. I continued to take walks in nature at the beach or nature trails. I spent a lot of time alone. I practiced silent moments of reflection and learned about meditation. And, of course, I continued to let the tears flow.

In time, I believed stronger and stronger that his spirit was close to me leaving signs and symbols of his loving presence. A friend put me in touch with a psychic medium, which confirmed my intuition. He was watching over me and he relayed a few messages, especially for me to stop worrying! It was amazing and comforting and I’ll never forget it!

The Upward Turn

This stage is when your emotions have calmed and you start to adjust to your loved one’s absence.

This happened for me around 15 months after my husband, Joseph’s, passing. I had stopped having regular bouts of deep gut crying. I had begun a new job, some new hobbies, and was getting back into more activities in general.

I started some deep personal soul-searching at this stage. I was especially interested in what happens after we die, maybe even a bit obsessed! Nevertheless, a “knowingness” filled my being that we don’t die, ever. We simply change.

Soon, it was as if information about what happens after we leave our Earthly lives was dropping out of the sky and into my lap to discover. It was there all along, I just hadn’t been ready to see it. Maybe that was the plan all along and the deep pain I felt for my husband’s passing was the catalyst. It reassured me that my husband was in a happier lighter place and his life and work continued there.

Reconstruction and Working Through

Your mind starts working again, you become more functional and begin concentrating on the more practical matters of life.

Finally, I more readily allowed my life to flow, to let it happen like riding the waves of the sea. I try anyway. It has helped me to release many of the fears I felt after my husband passed, like finances for example. My diet is better and in keeping a healthy mental outlook, I have completed numerous writing projects including two middle grade children’s novels. I have also delved back into my photography which I had put aside when busy raising two beautiful boys. I have revamped our landscape as well as the three main living areas of our home. I believe I have received much of my strength and inspiration to accomplish all of this from my husband‘s spirit and God’s angels. As far as developing a new relationship partner, I am perfectly happy being single and trust if its supposed to happen, it will.

Also, if I had to describe this stage in one word, for me, it would have to be “spirituality”! One day, while wandering in my yard and feeling particularly lost and sad, I had got down on my knees and asked God, “Who are you?” Well let me tell you, he/she has never stopped showing me, or maybe I have been more receptive. At any rate, this has become center stage in my life as I’ve truly learned that we are three-part beings, body, mind, and spirit; each of us sparks of God’s loving light. I am no longer afraid to die.

I was initually influenced by Neale Donald Walsch’s book, “Conversations with God, an uncommon dialogue”; along with too many other influences to mention. And in these modern days of the internet, information about the afterlife, our true home, is numerous and readily available! In general, people are more accepting of information beyond the confines of religion, including psychic/angelic/telepathic/spiritual phenomen and don’t get me started on NDE’s (Near Death Experience) stories.

Hope and Acceptance

Even though your life will never be the same, you have grown and are moving forward. It doesn’t mean you will never feel sad over your loss or that your memories will fade, but the wrenching pain will recede. You have accepted that your life still has purpose and there are others who still need you. You start to plan things and look forward to the future.

I do look forward to the future and for the first time in a while, I want to make plans to visit friends that I haven’t seen in a long time and maybe take a trip, perhaps even a cruise. I also think about how my sons need me, which keeps me strong and gives me purpose.

One of the messages from my husband’s spirit was conveyed to me when my intuitive niece walked up to me directly after my Joe’s “Memory of Life Celebration”. She told me she recieved a message for me from him during the ceremony that “everything will be okay.” Boy, have I hung on to those four words, especially whenever things have been uncertain, and I now believe them from the bottom of my heart. Whenever I feel doubts and start to worry, I come back to that message every time! I am so thankful for it and for my Joe, forevermore!

Comments

Comments from my Hubpages.com friends where I was the “Fossillady” when I wrote the poem and then seven years later when I wrote about my journey through the 7 stages of grief to offer help for others. P.S. Hubpages has closed explaining why I have republished this article.

epigramman on December 10, 2010: ….. you are the prettiest most enduring poetic flower here at the Hub for writing something this epic – this profound – this sweet – and this is true – because the truth is found here in someone as unique as you!!!

Del Banks from Southern Blue Ridge Mountains on December 22, 2010: Very nice. I could feel your sorrow for your lost spouse. Your words were like an iron hand in a velvet glove.

b. Malin on February 23, 2011: Oh Fossillady, what a truly Beautiful, Beautiful Tribute to the one you lost, but loved so well…I do believe you will see him once again…when it’s time. Thanks for sharing your heartfelt thoughts in such a rich and rewarding read.

toknowinfo on February 24, 2011: Hi Fossillady, You write so beautifully through your pain. My heart aches for you, as you so poignantly expressed your longing for your husband. I hope your journey brings you to a place where the sun warms your soul and the memories of your husband can make you smile, even if it is for brief periods of time. Thinking of you and wishing you easier times ahead.

ahorseback on March 17, 2011: Fossillady, I published a hub today inspired by your poems and spoke of your inspiration, I hope you don’t mind . This is a beautiful tribute of a loved one, I just couldn’t let it go! Beautiful writing!

Believes from Midwest USA on April 13, 2011: My husband, who also was my best friend, he went to be with the Lord July 16, 2009. Lovely poem . . . I understand the longing for my best friend too. This was a loving tribute to your husband.

Annie Fenn from Australia on May 01, 2011: Oh, the longing, just for a moment, just for a smile. A beautiful poem from the depths of your soul. Your husband is beside you every minute of the day, I am sure.

Donna L Stoycoff from Hollister California on December 21, 2019: Dear Kathi, Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss, I have no idea how that must have felt and surely you still feel this day. Poetry helps us to get our feelings out and draws pictures of our hearts and releases the sadness if yet, for a moment as we reflect on the beautifulness one has kissed our lives with. You had this love that so many set a lifelong quest to find. You indeed were blessed. Hope you are feeling better today. A beautiful poem my dear, just beautiful!